The last few days have been utterly miserable. The glands in my neck are flaring up again and I’ve been feeling stupidly tired even by my standards. What makes it worse is the fact that I was on Methotrexate for two years and that the second I have any gland issues my brain instantly jumps to the conclusion that I have some form of cancer. It’s ridiculous. I know my last set of blood results came back fine a few months ago and yet I still can’t get that worry out of my head.

I wish I had more positive things to talk about but I feel completely stuck at the moment.

If you could change one aspect of your life (past or present) what would it be?


That’s a surprisingly difficult question!

The aspect of my life that I’d want to change most is my ongoing battle with my health. If I could reverse all the damage that’s been done over the last decade I might still have a properly functioning left hand, I’d have been afforded an education, I’d have likely gone to university and I’m sure I’d have met some wonderful people along the way.

It’s a bit scary when I think about the way time has passed since I fell ill. My day to day life now is still remarkably similar to how it was when all of this first started, yet I’ll look at my friends situations and I can see everything they’ve achieved in the same amount of time. This is one of those thoughts that I still have trouble putting in perspective.

With that said, I’m not sure I’d make these changes if I was given the opportunity. If it wasn’t for my illness, I doubt I’d have ever made a Tumblr. If I’d never made my blog, I’d have never met Sarah. Not many good things have spawned from the cards I’ve been dealt but my relationship with Sarah is something that I cherish. If I started over again with a clean slate I’d be in a completely different situation and I doubt I’d be happier about my long term future than I am now.

So I guess my answer is no? I’m still bitter about the ten lost years but I don’t think I’d change it now that it’s happened.

I’m feeling weirdly motivated today.

Very strange given the fog I’ve been in lately! Never underestimate the power of bright sunshine.

I’m thinking I’ll make breakfast, take Stanley on a quick walk & maybe attempt to make plans for later. The latter part’ll no doubt be the most challenging; there’s some definite drawbacks to only having three friends who live locally. Tips on how to make friends while never leaving the house would be most welcome.

For the time being I’ll continue listening to Jens Lekman & make the most of this timely positive energy.

Another thing…

Just as we were about to exit the car park we noticed an old lady fall over after crossing the road. We both got out to see if she was OK and I felt so sorry for her when she responded. She was saying that she didn’t want to be taken to A&E at the Northern as her husband died there four weeks ago and she didn’t want to face going back so soon. She’s 84 years old. I didn’t know what I could say after hearing that. I just felt so heartbroken for her.

We were still only a short distance away from the hospital so I went to ask for a nurse’s assistance while we waited for the ambulance to arrive. I don’t mean to criticise but it took an awfully long time for a nurse to come out considering it happened literally right outside the exit.

I dunno, I just felt so bad for her. She was so lovely considering what’d just happened and it mustn’t be nice having all these strangers hovering around trying to help. I just wanted to give her a big hug. Luckily we were able to find her address online so I think we’ll give her a call in a few days to see how she’s doing. It sounded as though she doesn’t have any relatives locally so I’d like to offer some support if she needs anything.

I just hope the ambulance crew took her to minor injuries at the Hallamshire rather than A&E. I’d hate to think of her having to wait around there on her own given how raw her loss must still be. We wanted to travel with her but were told by the nurse that they’d take care of everything. I really hope they did.


I’ve just got back from having my ears syringed and I’m SO glad it’s finally been done. The waiting list for my local practice would’ve had me seen in May so I figured I’d spend the money to have it done privately and hopefully avoid the risk of them getting infected again.

Needless to say, the doctor I saw was fantastic. She was very interested to hear about my general state of health and she’s given me some very useful advice too. Firstly she recommended a change in my PPI medication, suggesting that Omeprazole might be a kinder alternative to the Lansaprazole that I’m currently on. Apparently Lansaprazole can cause fatigue in some people and I’ve got enough of that to begin with. Gah, I really do hate the fact that those antibiotics messed with my stomach to the extent I even have to take these meds.

She also made the case for me having a trial run on anti-depressants. I’ve been very reluctant to take them in the past as I’ve felt like my main struggles have been due to my circumstances rather than it being a constant fog I can’t shake. I mentioned how severe my anxiety had been recently and she made some valid points about how anxiety and depression are inextricably linked. She was saying that even though I don’t necessarily feel depressed on a day to day basis, she thinks that medication would significantly improve my ability to stave off anxiety attacks. That alone would be a massive step forward for me.

It’s strange, it’s only when Sarah’s been here that I’ve noticed just how bad it’s become. When I’m on my own I’m able to stay in my comfort zone and avoid doing any of the things that set off my anxiety. I guess my avoidance of my triggers has given me a false sense of control over the problem when in reality it’s still lurking in the background, waiting for the right situation to crop up.

As an example, I couldn’t watch the latest Louis Theroux episode because of my irrational fear of having one of the illnesses displayed on the show. I was really looking forward to watching it until I saw the subject matter and I just couldn’t do it. Within the first few minutes I could feel my stomach churning even more than usual and I already felt tetchy. It’s ridiculous and frustrating in equal measure. The logical side of me knows that it’s ridiculous and yet my body/brain let me know in no uncertain terms that it’s triggering something in me. I hate it.

With that said, I’m leaning towards having a trial period and seeing how it goes. My GP’s setting up an appointment for me to see a counsellor so I’m hoping that having a verbal outlet to go along with the medication might help me to see some benefits.

I’m alive!

Sorry about the month long disappearance. I barely checked Tumblr while Sarah was here and I’ve been going through one of those phases where writing anything feels stupidly difficult.

Good news: this past month has been lovely. My health hasn’t been very good but I’ve had my favourite lady here to keep me company. We’ve also officially given notice ahead of the wedding! The date’s set for August 6th and I’m very excited indeed. The last three years have been incredibly testing so having the end in sight is an amazing feeling.

Bad news: she’s back in Arizona for the next few months. Blah.

Other stuff: the weight gain’s going well (although not without the odd mental blip) and my referral for physiotherapy has been sent off. I’ve been feeling very weak recently so I’m looking forward to getting my appointment through.

I’m also going to talk to my doctor about my anxiety issues at the next appointment. It’s been getting gradually worse for a while now and I feel like the time has come to confront it. I get panicky over such routine tasks and I hate it. Hopefully I’ll be able to sort it out.

How’s everyone been keeping? I’ve missed reading about your lives.

Just finished watching the latest True Detective & now I’m getting ready to pick up Sarah! It’s a good job my sleep’s been so erratic lately as I found myself wide awake at 2 am after a full nights sleep. Excellent.

I can’t tell you how relieved I am to finally be seeing her again. There’s been times in the last 12 months where I’ve felt further removed from myself than I have at any other point in my life and it feels like I only become fully reattached when I have Sarah by my side. When we’re apart it’s like living with this void that you’re still connected to. I still see her and talk with her for hours every day; it just doesn’t match up to that feeling of being able to put my arms around her.

I also feel like I have a lot of ground that I need to make up. Since my health hit a new low I’ve had to really focus my energy into getting healthy again. While I know this is the right thing to do, I don’t feel like I’ve been able to give as much of myself to Sarah as a result. I’ve had to become so focused on being regimented that I’m sure I’m a far more irritable person as a result. Here’s hoping my health will keep improving and I’ll have the energy to be a better person soon.

Right, time to get going!


Add another great album to the list tonight: Sun Kil Moon - Benji

This is an album that solely exists to remind you of not only your own mortality but of the mortality of everyone you know or care about.

It’s a bit “down”, but sometimes down is good. Sometimes down helps you get back up again.

I don’t think I was ready for the directness of Benji. It’s not often that you hear something that’s both as personal and openly vulnerable as this. From one full listen I can already tell that it’s going to have a sustained impact on me.


Mixed bag for me at the moment. I’ve been feeling pretty terrible for a while now and it’s only from looking at my Tumblr activity that I noticed my last post on here was a week ago today. If I hadn’t checked I’d have guessed it was a couple days at most. My days have very much rolled from one into the next recently and it’s becoming very wearing indeed.

Luckily there’s a silver lining. Sarah’s flight is due in on March 4th and time has been passing me by at such an alarming rate that I’m hoping her arrival will sneak up on me. I can’t wait to hold her in my arms again. It’s been far, far too long.

In less soppy news; True Detective is fucking brilliant. It takes a lot for me to get addicted to TV shows but I can safely say that TD has me hooked. Very much looking forward to catching up on episode five tomorrow afternoon!

Sorry for being so absent lately. I haven’t been feeling great recently & there’s been very little I’ve wanted to write about. Today’s not been too bad so here I am.

I’ve had to strictly monitor my calorie intake since my goal was upped & so far I’ve been exceeding it every day. I haven’t weighed myself in a few days but I’m hoping to see a little improvement by next week. I’m utterly sick of feeling ill all the time so I’m doing everything in my power to put things right.

The stomach issues are slowly starting to ease up as well. It’s by no means 100% yet but I feel like I’m gradually getting better on that front. I’ve nearly finished the course of Lansaprazole I was prescribed so I’m hoping it won’t regress once I stop taking it.

As for today, I’ve mainly spent it horizontal while watching the Winter Olympics (I’m not sure why?) and listening to the new St. Vincent album. It’s growing on me very quickly indeed. Wish I felt up to seeing her in Manchester in a few weeks!